Michael Woolley and I gave a lecture at the New York Public Library on June 1st about our new book, Adult Sibling Relationships. Over 50 people came for what was supposed to be a 60 minute talk and, 100 minutes later, we had to cut the talk short to catch our train back to Baltimore. Our presentation covered our research with close to 300 siblings, our theoretical orientation (using ambivalence and ambiguity to understand the complexities of adult sibling relationships), and our intervention strategies (Family Systems Theory as conceived by Murray Bowen; Structural Family Therapy as conceptualized by Salvador Minuchin; Experiential and Communication Therapy as conceptualized by Virginia Satir).
After our presentation, we opened it up to questions which ranged from the highly personal to the global. One woman asked how to confront two sisters who, for years, had not been treating her fairly. Should she confront them together or separately, she wondered. If together, would they gang up on her? If separately, would one tell the other after she had approached the first one?
Another wondered what to do given her family history. She had come from a family with a great deal of intergenerational issues (see, e.g., Bowen's work) which included mental illness, physical challenges, and addiction. To what extent should she continue to try and get along with the family members if their responses to her were unpredictable and painful?
A third person asked how to combat siblings ganging up on him when he was made to feel the scapegoat. He perhaps had taken a course of action with his life that was different from what his culture had dictated - this was causing consternation among the other siblings who wanted him to conform.
Our training as family therapists and our appreciation for the rich literature that has informed our thinking and teaching over many years helped us to provide some feedback to very complicated questions from people from diverse backgrounds and with varying experiences. But, no answer in a public forum can be universally helpful. Rather, the purpose of such venues is to provide some information about sibling relationships and, hopefully, some suggestions for potentially looking anew at these longest of relationships. Gaining some understanding of intergenerational transmission of family problems and insight into one's own family can help with insight. For example, our problems between parents and their siblings being handed down to and sparking current issues between siblings? Learning about boundaries (Structural Family Therapy) can guide family members to understand who should be talking to whom and how alliances are formed. Triangulation between siblings and between siblings and parents is a common dysfunctional pattern that can potentially be alleviated with a change in behavior. Clearer communication between siblings and the use of "I" messages (see Satir) can also be helpful to shift to more functional ways of interacting.
Yet, like many long-standing and serious issues, having the opportunity to talk with a therapist may be the best balm in sorting things out. A public forum may be sufficient for many for starting the process of self-discovery and self-driven learning. For the others, more assistance is needed.
Finally, and on the global note, a woman asked who our gurus are and whether those gurus could guide a society in need of greater connection. We gave two answers - one answer citing the influences that helped shape our thinking on family functioning and another answer, saying the opposite, that reflected that one should never consider anyone a guru.
from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/1U9gWB2
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