Last month I published a blog titled “Seven Lessons I Have Learned in Therapy With Men.” I should have listed an eighth lesson: writing about men, particularly men in relationships, draws a lot of interest. This posting drew more than twice as many views as anything I have written before, and five times more comments. I would say it was a fluke, but I had a similar experience when I blogged for a local online newspaper several years ago. What is it about this topic that generates so much engagement?
I have a few ideas but at this point the safest thing I can say is that I really don’t know. I strive to articulate a male view point that recognizes the contribution of the feminine without losing the male voice. It is a man’s job to do for men what feminists have been doing for decades for women: articulate an important reality that both men and women need to hear. Two caveats: 1) Yes I will be speaking in generalities and therefore there are exceptions to everything I say, and 2) the language is heterosexist but the principles apply to all who take on the more masculine role in a relationship.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how therapy in general and couple’s therapy in particular is skewed toward the feminine. There is a premium on verbal expression, especially expression of tender and vulnerable feelings. I think this is the gift of the feminine: to teach us that we feel safest when we feel connected and one of the most reliable ways to feel connected is through being vulnerable together. It’s such a self evident truism in the world of couples therapy that I can imagine many people nodding their heads in agreement and asking: “What’s wrong with that?”
Nothing is wrong with that. It’s beautiful, it’s wonderful, and it’s not the whole picture. If you want to get a man to talk easily about his feelings, ask him about his job, not his relationship. Ask him how it’s going at work, what he’s engaged in, what he hopes to achieve, where his ambitions lie. Hearing this, women might nod politely and wait patiently until their husband “really opens up.”
He is opening up. Listen to him. There is an entire world of identity and self expression embedded in those work stories, in those struggles for achievement, in the self doubts that accompany the power struggles and strife of daily life on the job. It is true that many men don’t know how to articulate the nuances of their inner worlds and they will be better for learning how. But it is going to sound different than a woman’s inner world and we need to stop trying to get men to sound like women in order to get the Good Housekeeping seal of approval that is implicitly given to husbands who toe the therapy line.
One of the more touching comments to last month’s posting came from Curtis:
I kind of understood then I read through a lot of comments and then found myself completely lost. I am guessing that once a guy finds his inner world then he is a much better person for it. An article (in small words and short sentences) or website on helping guys find their inner world would be appreciated by guys like myself. I do appreciate you putting this article out for people to read and comment on.
There is so much I love in this comment: the straightforwardness, the simplicity, the vulnerability, the truth. So let me start to address your question Curtis in no particular order, though each one of these points can (and may eventually) be a full post on its own:
1. Yes, the more you have connection with your inner world the better you will be for it.
2. One good way to get in touch with your inner world is to pay attention to what excites you and gives you pleasure in the outer world, particularly your work.
3. There is always a relationship between the outer and the inner: what you do influences how you feel. How you feel influences how you do what you do.
4. Most men are more practiced in paying attention to the outer than the inner. Carl Jung, a major psychological figure, said that the first half of life is for establishing oneself in the outer world. The second half of life is for exploring the inner world. I say it’s never too early to start paying attention to your inner world.
5. Feelings are amazing when you learn how to pay attention to them. Most guys like control panels, whether on cars or computers, that have all kinds of readings. Imagine having an internal control panel that can cue you into an infinite amount of information with a sensitivity and reliability that can’t be managed by the most highly developed software. You have such a system inside you.
6. You cannot and should not outsource your emotional intelligence to the woman you’re with. It’s not fair to her and it’s a cop out. She needs you to figure out who you are and what you feel to help her with own development, just like you need her to be in charge of herself.
7. You need to have close relationships with men. Stop being afraid to touch a man or be touched. So many guys are so filled with homophobia they miss the pleasure of physical contact with another man. It feels different than from a woman and it’s wonderful. News flash: not all physical touch need be sexual in intent.
8. Learn how to ask another man for help. There are few things more healing than receiving help from a man or giving help to a man. It undoes all those horrible high school experiences where you were made fun of in the locker room for not doing something right.
9. You need to work and feel productive to feel whole. I don’t believe I have ever met a man who was able to feel good about himself without feeling good about what he did in the world.
10. Expressing anger is overrated. Sure it feels good in the moment, but like a bomb that destroys what takes years to build you should seldom if ever give in to that urge. Go to the gym instead.
from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/22Jh2Bs
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