How Do You Know If You've Found Love?

Is this love?

You might think that people in love automatically know it, with no doubt in their minds. A lucky few do, but for many, this isn’t the case. People regularly vary in the extent to which they know and can distinguish between their own emotions (Barrett, Gross, Christensen, & Benvenuto, 2001). This is a tricky problem, because knowing how we feel affects how we act.

So how do you know if you’re feeling love, or something else?

Research on love and relationships provides a scientific basis for differentiating between love and interpersonal emotions that do not predict lasting relationships. Consider the following points as you try to clarify your current situation… they may help you determine your next move.

1. You find yourself saying “we” more than “I” or “me.” Language is a secret window into how you perceive yourself in relation to others. What words do you use? What words does your partner use? People who are closer use plural words like “we” more frequently in conversation than singular pronouns like “I” or “me” (Pennebaker, Mehl, & Niederhoffer, 2003). The kind of feelings that suggest love are likely accompanied by a tendency to use plural, rather than singular, pronouns.
    
2. You’re ready to sacrifice for this person. If love is in the air, sacrifice is too. Individuals who engage in costly commitment signals are more oriented towards a long-term relationship with their partner. Costly commitment signals are pro-relationship behaviors (e.g., driving a partner to an appointment; giving a gift) that require substantial sacrifice, perhaps in time, emotions, or financial resources. Engaging in costly commitment signals is healthy for relationships, and the absence of these behaviors can be damaging to the long-term stability of a relationship (Yamaguchi, Smith, & Ohtsubo, 2015).
    
3. You can’t stop looking at his/her face. Eye gaze is a surprising indicator of romantic intentions, differentiating between lust and love. A recent experimental study revealed that visual attention, in the context love, is primarily directed towards the face; whereas, in the context of lust, eye fixations are more frequently oriented towards the body (Bolmont, Cacioppo, & Cacioppo, 2014).
    
4. You don’t mind the idea of dependency. People like to be in charge of their lives and depending on someone can be an uncomfortable proposition; plus, people aren't always thrilled with having others depending on them. Experimental evidence, however, shows that people who are highly motivated to increase closeness – like those who are in love – no longer hold negative views of dependence when it comes to their love interest (Koranyi & Meissner, 2015).
    
5. You can’t get enough of this person. Helen Fisher, a prominent scientist, suggests that love is a biochemical experience not unlike drug addiction. Intense love activates the brain’s reward system in ways quite similar to addictive substances (Fisher, Xu, Aron, & Brown, 2016).
    
6. You keep noticing how similar you are to this person. The idea that opposites attract is compelling, but fundamentally unsupported in research on long-term relationships. That said, opposites do tend to attract for short-term flings (Amodio & Showers, 2005), suggesting that there’s a great deal of appeal in the exotic or different… but that appeal may not sustain a relationship. If your relationship is headed towards long-term love, you're likely more similar than different.
    
7. You’re physically attracted to this person. Some might argue that love isn’t about sexual attraction, but research shows sexual desire and sexual behaviors promote closeness and intimacy, promoting pairbonding or attachment to a significant other (Birnbaum & Finkel, 2008). It’s suggested that sex is a mechanism that keeps a couple together, part of the experience of consummate love.

Love doesn’t look the same for every person, but the above trends depict what scientific evidence suggests many people experience. Distinguishing between emotions that reflect passion versus the kind of love that creates a foundation for a long-term relationship is no easy task. Research tends to suggest that passionate love might become sustained love when it is accompanied by substantive compatibility, a supportive social network, and mutual commitment.

References

Amodio, D. M., & Showers, C. J. (2005). ‘Similarity breeds liking’revisited: The moderating role of commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22, 817-836.

Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you're feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition & Emotion, 15, 713-724.

Birnbaum, G. E., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). The magnetism that holds us together: sexuality and relationship maintenance across relationship development. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 29-33.

Bolmont, M., Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2014). Love is in the gaze: An eye-tracking study of love and sexual desire. Psychological Science, 25, 1748-1756.

Fisher, H. E., Xu, X., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2016). Intense, passionate, romantic love: A natural addiction? How the fields that investigate romance and substance abuse can inform each other. Frontiers in Psychology.

Fitzsimons, G. M., & Kay, A. C. (2004). Language and interpersonal cognition: Causal effects of variations in pronoun usage on perceptions of closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30, 547-557.

Koranyi, N., & Meissner, F. (2015). Handing over the reins: Neutralizing negative attitudes toward dependence in response to reciprocal romantic liking. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6, 685-691.

Pennebaker, J. W., Mehl, M. R., & Niederhoffer, K. G. (2003). Psychological aspects of natural language use: Our words, our selves. Annual Review of Psychology, 54, 547-577.

Yamaguchi, M., Smith, A., & Ohtsubo, Y. (2015). Commitment signals in friendship and romantic relationships. Evolution and Human Behavior, 36, 467-474.

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