In my Baggage Check advice column, I recently answered a reader who was struggling with her feelings over her brother's decision to get involved with a married woman. The reader was close to her brother and was having trouble with her disappointment in him, having a hard time looking at him the same way. Could she ever return to the relationship they had enjoyed for so long, and be able to get her faith in him back?
Loving or even just being close to someone comes with many potential risks: grief if we lose them, betrayal if they break our trust, and disillusionment if they do something we don't approve of. Whether it's a close friend, a family member, a trusted mentor or a romantic partner, becoming disappointed with someone when they make choices we don't agree with is a common conflict. When it happens, you may feel you didn't really know the person at all, and perhaps you can't imagine going back to how things were. You may feel personally wounded even if the person's actions didn't involve you directly. You may feel angry but also like you don't have the right to be angry, and you might be very confused as to how to proceed.
Whether the event is big (you find out the person has a history of significant deception) or small (you find out the person supports a political position you disagree with), here are some considerations as you navigate the new reality.
1) Do you fully understand the situation?
There are several psychological principles that make us prone to distortion when we interpret the behavior of others. The fundamental attribution error, for instance, says that when we observe others' behavior-- including seemingly bad behavior-- we are more likely to assume that it was due to their character or disposition than the situation. With our own behavior and mistakes, however, we will give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and blame the situation. Is that what is happening here? Might you be putting undue emphasis on their personality or character rather than on situational factors?
2) Is there a point for connection or empathy?
Let's say the person made a terrible mistake, indeed, and perhaps it does show a fallibility in character. Is there still a possibility for empathy? Have they struggled with circumstances like depression, extreme stress, or health problems that have weakened their resolve? Can you imagine yourselves in their shoes? Empathizing does not necessarily mean excusing, but it can open the door to moving forward. Is there a deeper problem that might need treatment, like substance abuse, that has compromised their decision-making? If this is the only time they've let you down, are you willing to view it as an anomaly? Have you ever done something that you wish you could erase and are ashamed of, and if so, would you want people using it to make a broad decision on you about your character? The more you can emotionally connect with them in this situation, the more you may be able to see important nuances that can help you better assess the circumstances of what happened.
3) Are there contradictions or exaggeration in your viewpoint?
It's human to be occasionally hypocritical in our viewpoints, especially in knee-jerk reactions that have yet to be examined. Have you ever done something similar as this person did but have blocked it out? Are you using defense mechanisms to declare yourself better than this person when the evidence doesn't back it up? Are you using a me-versus-them mentality to boost yourself up unjustly, or coming down unduly hard on someone's careless mistake to convince yourself it could never happen to you? (We often do this to view the world as a more predictable, less scary place. It is easier to believe that people deserved what they got, through their own responsibility within the situation, than to believe that bad things can happen unfairly and unpredictably.) Overly inflexible standards, black-and-white thinking, and changing your moral "rules" as you go along are all potential problems when judging others.
4) Is there something they can do to make things right?
Sometimes, the path to resolution is clear. You may simply want an apology and an acknowledgment of responsibility or some validation of how the person hurt you. These things alone can be so powerful and healing as to make people less likely to sue doctors for malpractice. Other times, an apology might feel empty and do nothing, or there might be specific ways you want the person to make things 'right' beyond saying "I'm sorry." Sometimes, you might just want an assurance that the person will prevent the same thing from ever happening again. Think through what you are really looking for. Is it realistic? Fair? Is it only a way of getting revenge, making them "pay" in a way that will hurt them back?
5) Can you give yourself some time and space?
It is possible-- and understandable-- that you might need some time away from the person in order to collect your thoughts and process some of your emotions in the aftermath of what they've done. Be careful to use this in a measured and emotionally healthy way, however. Don't give the silent treatment solely to hurt the person, and don't manipulate them by dangling the carrot of communication or reconciliation only to keep snatching it away. Instead, communicate civilly and clearly, even if briefly. "I need some time to process this, probably several days minimum. I will let you know when I've had time to think and am ready to talk further."
6) How best can you convey to them your feelings?
It's important for you to be mindful in your communication here, so that you don't say something you wish you could undo later. Getting roped into angry, spontaneous reactions can be dangerous. Instead, take some time to write out your feelings, first for yourself. What points are important for you to get off your chest? And what points are important for them to hear? Sometimes, these two categories don't always match. And sometimes, getting something off your chest can be helpful even if it isn't directly heard by the person-- like thoughts kept in a journal or shared only with a therapist. When communicating with the person who disappointed you, focus on specific ways that their behavior has affected you. Use the classic "I" statements ("I felt very betrayed, angry and scared when I found out you had run up another credit card. And I'm worried that this could happen again, since you didn't tell me yourself") rather than accusatory statements that will immediately put them on the defensive ("You are so irresponsible with money. Don't you get it? Can't you see how serious this is? What is wrong with you?")
7) Can you see the big picture going forward?
Think back to your relationship prior to this point. Does it all have to be negated? In some cases, the act committed by the person may seem to cast all their prior behavior in a bad light. But in reality it need not do so, if the mistake was a momentary lapse of judgment. In other cases, indeed, it is hard to view the prior relationship as anything but stained (especially in cases with long-term deception or manipulation.) What is the big picture, and what role-- and size-- does this latest act have, relative to it? Is it possible that as time moves forward, its relative importance will diminish? This is common in long-term relationships. In the week that your partner or friend majorly disappointed you, that disappointment feels like the most salient thing in the relationship because you are living it in the moment. As time moves on, however, that disappointment takes on a diminished importance, as your brain begins to weigh the relative impact of one week versus five, ten, or thirty years.
8) What does "forgiveness" mean to you?
Forgiveness has been shown to be beneficial to health in certain ways. But it can mean different things to different people. Sometimes, forgiveness means full absolution, never again viewing the person negatively for what they've done, and truly beginning to forget that it happened. Other times, forgiveness may mean letting go of one's anger about the situation (which might help with the health benefits) but still allowing your view of the person to be fundamentally altered. Some people will choose to move on civilly and act like on the surface like things are the same, but their beliefs and emotions about the person's behavior will never feel resolved. And, of course, there can be any number of gradations in between. What do you ultimately believe about forgiveness and whether it can be achieved in this case? What do you want your day-to-day interactions to look like with this person tomorrow, a month from now, and a year from now? Ultimately, you have much power in how you choose to handle this. Use it wisely, for yourself and for this relationship.
9) What can you do to keep yourself healthy?
Being hurt by someone can involve a major uptick in our stress response. You may have noticed changes in your eating or sleeping patterns; you may feel fatigued, irritable, or anxious. Sometimes, a sudden stressor can increase our risk of substance abuse or impulsive, reckless behavior-- or even increase hopelessness to the point of suicidal thoughts. What coping mechanisms are you employing? Are there friends you can talk with and hobbies that can calm you? Can you attempt to take particularly good physical care of yourself at this time, even though it's harder than ever (but arguably most important?) Exercise, meditation, laughter, fresh air and sunlight can all help you keep your day-to-day mental and physical health in check. And confiding in a professional-- especially if you have any feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, or notice that you are not taking care of yourself very well-- is certainly a good option, and it can also help you ultimately reach clarity on what you want your relationship to look like going forward.
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For more of Dr. Bonior's articles on mental health and relationships:
10 Ways to Make (and Keep) Friendships As An Adult
7 Steps to Break Free of a Controlling Partner
6 Awkward Things You Must Tell Your Therapist
The Surefire First Step to Stop Procrastinating
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and speaker. She is the author of The Friendship Fix and an upcoming book about the psychology of everyday life (stay tuned!), and serves on the faculty of Georgetown University. Her mental health advice column Baggage Check has appeared in the Washington Post Express for more than eleven years. Write your mental health questions to the column at baggage@wpost.com. She speaks to audiences large and small about relationships, work-life balance, and motivation, and is a television commentator about mental health issues. Join the conversation on Facebook or twitter!
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