In the three years since Sabrina, now 29, and her boyfriend of one year parted ways, she remained heartbroken and unable to truly move on. While friends and family urged her to let the memory of her ex-boyfriend go, she secretly held out hope that one day he would return. He, of course, had moved on swiftly after the split and dated happily without giving her much thought at all. So, why do some suffer in the aftermath of a breakup, while others seem not only to survive, but thrive?
From a neuro-biological perspective, as we now know, love in the brain is similar to addiction. When we fall in love, our brains are flooded with a host of "feel good" neurochemicals (including adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, seratonin, and, if the bond with our partner is particularly strong, oxytocin). These chemicals cause us to feel highly motivated to stay up at all hours of the night talking to the object of our affection, thinking about him or her for what seems like every minute of every day, and, of course, going to inexplicable lengths to do things we could have never possibly imagined doing for another human being. Alas, as the infamous Proclaimers song goes, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door".
However, as our relationship progresses and we begin to settle into daily life with our partner, our neurochemicals tend to settle, too. This is ultimately for the best because it would be quite costly to live a life where we think about our partner day in and day out; no task would ever be completed! Nevertheless, when a break-up occurs, our brains revert back to the heightened feelings of love we once had. This is because without the love we've grown accustomed to, the reward center of our brain becomes desperate for the feedback it once received and continues releasing neurochemicals as a way to motivate us to re-attach. Without a partner, however, there is no reward. As a result, we feel terrible, even debilitating heartache, which the brain cannot separate from physical pain.
Why is this process so painful? From an evolutionary perspective, we are built to bond because it helps guarantee our survival as a species. While we have evolved, these deep rooted parts of our brain have not. Losing a bond is painful so that we feel encouraged to avoid the pain, re-attach to another, and bond again. Still, the neuro-biological perspective doesn't particularly explain why some move on from relationships with ease, despite going through a similar weaning process, while others remain addicted and, consequently, heartbroken.
When it comes to broken relationships, barring abuse, trauma or mental illness, one major hindrance to moving on is the romanticized belief that there can only be one "true love" for us in the world. From this perspective, love occurs at first sight and can conquer all. If we are wedded to the idea that there is only one person out there for us and we have found our "soul-mate" in the man or woman who has broken up with us, overriding these deep-rooted beliefs about love can be a difficult task. What can be particularly painful is not understanding that our former partner may have a different belief about love, seeing it less as a consequence of destiny and more as a process of growth, compatibility, and meeting each other's needs. If you have romanticized beliefs, one way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that if your former partner were indeed your "soul mate", he or she likely would not have dissolved the relationship. Similarly, re-appraising your romanticized beliefs and thinking about love as a process which can be experienced multiple times with multiple people throughout the lifespan can help.
Another reason why we may hold on to old feelings may depend on our attachment style. Of the three main ways in which we can attach to another person romantically, those with an anxious attachment style (about 21% of the population), tend to be more dependent on their partners during the relationship and will experience the greatest difficulty moving on. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, people with an anxious attachment style are more likely to ruminate and stalk their previous partner, particularly if they were on the receiving end of the break up. This hampers moving on, as psychological distance is necessary for a clean break. Deleting pictures, emails, texts, social media contacts and the phone number of your past partner, as well as avoiding places which remind you of him or her will help. Re-connecting with old acquaintances or making new friends who have secure attachment styles and can act as role models will aid in altering your own attachment style, which research shows can change over time.
Lastly, because of the Zeigarnik effect, wherein people remember incomplete or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks, unfinished business can make it particularly difficult to move on. If you discussed marriage, children, or future plans in great depth with your previous partner, it is a natural inclination to want to complete those tasks. Psychological closure can come by writing a final "goodbye" letter to your former partner and sending it without expecting a response, or discarding it once written.
While breakups can be hard to bear, there is hope in moving on.
Sources:
Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Macmillan.
Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (Completely Revised and Updated with a New Introduction). WW Norton & Company.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2006). Romantic love: a mammalian brain system for mate choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society of London B: Biological Sciences, 361(1476), 2173-2186.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the brain systems of lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. Archives of sexual behavior, 31(5), 413-419.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of personality and social psychology, 52(3), 511.
Levine, a & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love. Penguin.
MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological bulletin, 131(2), 202.
Savitsky, K., Medvec, V. H., & Gilovich, T. (1997). Remembering and regretting: The Zeigarnik effect and the cognitive availability of regrettable actions and inactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(3), 248-257.
Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2010). Is love a flimsy foundation? Soul mate versus institutional models of marriage. Social Science Research, 39(5), 687-699.
from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/2a2d8mQ
via IFTTT
No comments:
Post a Comment