All of us “normal” human beings seem to acquire a few key social priorities very early in life. Some of them are positive for our own mental health and well-being – eufunctional – and some are dysfunctional.
These dysfunctional imperatives, or directives, seem to be standardized across all cultures, subcultures, and generations. They soak in very early and, for most people, they remain the key priorities, or “rules of engagement” for the duration of life.
As we progress – if we progress – emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually, we can learn to weaken their hold on us. People who are very highly evolved might even free themselves of these primal reflexes almost completely.
The “Big Five” Directives
The five “biggies” – the major dysfunctional directives – that we can outgrow and learn to live without are:
- Look good.
- Play safe.
- Don’t be wrong.
- CYA (we all know what that means).
- Get one up when you can.
Let’s consider them one at a time.
Dysfunctional Directive #1: Look Good. This directive arises from the basic human need to be approved, accepted, and validated by others. The stronger the directive, the more one feels compelled to restrict or limit his or her behavior so as to avoid the disapproval of others. In some cases, it might present as a preoccupation with physical appearance; imitating the style of dress and manners of one’s chosen peer group; being at the right places with the right people; conforming to peer-group practices; and even subordinating one’s needs and interests to those of others.
For most of us, looking good also means not looking bad. Teenagers, for example, typically suffer through a painful phase of trying to earn acceptance, until they begin to establish a stronger sense of self-definition. Paradoxically, the most rebellious teenagers – as seen through the eyes of their parents – typically conform most obediently to the patterns of their peers.
Author and social critic Mark Twain declared, "We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then we go with the drove. We have two opinions: one private, which we are afraid to express; and another one — the one we use — which we force ourselves to wear to please Mrs. Grundy, until habit makes us comfortable in it, and the custom of defending it presently makes us love it, adore it, and forget how pitifully we come by it."
Psychologist Abraham Maslow spoke of “resistance to enculturation,” by which he meant the freedom to make our judgments and choices without being enslaved to cultural norms, habits, patterns, and unwritten rules. We all face the challenge, in our personal lives, of balancing individuality, freedom, and self-expression with the necessity of getting along in the various worlds we occupy.
Dysfunctional Directive #2: Play Safe. This directive arises from the basic human need to protect our ego, or self-identity, from feelings of failure. We tend to avoid situations in which we might not “perform” as well as others, and steer clear of activities that might betray our incompetence. We may avoid activities and behaviors we consider outside of our comfort zone, or our zone of competence, such as singing, dancing, drawing, building things, cooking, or any of a number of skillful pursuits.
Educator and statesman John Gardner said, “Most of us carry around in our heads a whole catalog of things we’re never going to try again, because we once tried them and fell short of our own expectations.” As we get older, he advises, our comfort zones become narrower.
And, we may tend to shy away from saying or doing things we think might meet with scorn or disapproval from others. Probably one reason why creativity and innovation are rather scarce in most cultures is that we’re taught to judge our ideas against the current status quo. We reflexively think, “No one else has suggested this way of doing it. If it were a good idea, wouldn’t someone have already thought of it?” In the Japanese culture, for instance, conformity to group norms is paramount. Japanese have an expression, “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.”
Idea people, inventors, and innovators often pay a high price for violating the tribal norms of the cultures they inhabit. We all have good ideas and novel approaches from time to time. We need to learn to nurture and develop them until they’re ready for critical scrutiny, and not kill them off immediately because we think somebody might disapprove, disagree, or laugh at them.
Dysfunctional Directive #3: Don’t Be Wrong. Since our early childhood, and particularly in our school years, getting the “right answer” becomes a marker of achievement, success, and approval. It pervades the entire childhood experience of education and development. No wonder most of us have hang-ups about making mistakes, being misinformed or uninformed, and trying to be “savvy.”
People afflicted with the need to be right – or the compulsion to avoid being seen as wrong – may have experienced relentless criticism in their early lives, and typically very little praise. For them, the experience of being wrong brings with it a kind of psychic pain, associated with self-disapproval. So, they often go to great lengths not to admit to themselves or others, that their view or interpretation might be flawed or ill-informed. They might resort to near-comical strategies, such as rationalizing; splitting hairs about facts or evidence; obfuscating the subject; changing the basic point of the argument; or escaping from the debate without allowing a conclusion.
Those so afflicted usually harbor a painful constellation of ideas and emotions related to success and failure. In extremist thinking, not to succeed absolutely means to fail absolutely, and they associate “failure” with self-condemnation. They seldom grasp the notion that success and failure are not aspects of the natural world – they’re evaluations the human mind applies to experience.
The mind-opening discovery that being “right” or “wrong” about a particular question, controversy, or issue has nothing to do with one’s worth as a person can be tremendously liberating. If two people disagree diametrically about a matter that can be settled by evidence, the one whose belief is disconfirmed does not become a bad person for being “wrong.” And the one whose view is supported by the evidence does not become a good person. There is no battle to be won – only a “truth” to be sought. Alignment with the evidence is simply a factual matter, not a personal triumph or failure.
Well-trained scientists learn to keep their opinions, beliefs, and convictions “on probation,” understanding that unfolding experience will always bring new evidence with which they can correct or revise their views. We can all learn from their ways.
Dysfunctional Directive #4: CYA. In the world of work, the term “CYA” – shorthand for “cover your ass,” (or, alternatively, “cover your assets”) – means don’t get blamed for anything that goes wrong.
Blame, shame, and guilt are part of all cultures, some more than others. A person who is exceptionally fearful of getting blamed – again, possibly as a result of constant criticism or condemnation in early life – tends to react anxiously and defensively when things go wrong. They’re usually quick to disavow blame, or rationalize away their own mistakes, or even point the accusing finger at others. In the extreme, they might even lie to avoid the anticipated psychic pain they attach to being accused.
In organizations, particularly bureaucracies, the CYA directive is typically collective, presenting as a general collusion for mediocrity. Formal procedures, review processes, signature cycles, written justifications, and various disclaimers serve the purpose of syndicating responsibility to the organization in general. One of the crippling syndromes of any bureaucracy is the lack of individual accountability: nobody has to swing for his or her mistakes. To individuals or groups afflicted by the CYA directive, not being wrong is more important than being right.
Dysfunctional Directive #5: Get One Up When You Can. One-upping is one of the most common social dynamics in all cultures. It means taking advantage of a situation in which someone has mistakenly said or done something to make himself look incompetent or ineffective, and “rubbing it in.”
Here’s a scenario: your friend has locked her keys in the car, and had to call a road service to come and open the door. Which of the following two things are you most likely to say?
- Option 1: “I’m sorry to hear that. I know how frustrating that can be.”
- Option 2: “Didn’t you keep a spare key hidden somewhere on the car, or nearby?”
Option 1 is the compassionate, empathetic reply. Option 2 is the “gotcha.”
“Gotcha” people typically follow an unconscious directive that says: Whenever you can catch someone in an embarrassing situation, and there’s no risk to your own ego, zing them with a put-down of some type. It comes for free, and – presumably – there’s no harm done. Humorist Jules Pfeiffer referred to these episodes as “life’s little murders.”
One-uppers tend to come in two varieties, the cautious ones and the aggressive ones. The cautious ones usually strike only when the situation presents them with a sure thing. They don’t have to create the situation or set it up in any way; it comes for free. You admit you’ve been gaining weight? He or she starts telling you all about how to lose weight.
The aggressive one-upper, on the other hand, actively looks for – or creates – opportunities to act and feel superior. You just shared your experience with a great Japanese restaurant, and he tells you about the best one in town. You show her your new condo, and she tells you how you’ve got it decorated all wrong.
But for most of us, that occasional little opportunity is often just too inviting to pass up. A quick one-liner, a roll of the eyes, a condescending gaze – we love ‘em. Some little imp inside us specializes in what the Germans call schadenfreude – enjoyment of another’s misfortune.
Can We Live Without the Dysfunctional Directives?
Letting go of any or all of the Big-Five directives requires finding, inside ourselves, a greater sense of self-love and self-confidence; the courage to embrace being human; a preference for kindness and generosity over competitiveness; and a realization that we can shape the situations we find ourselves in.
The first step in this journey is coming to a mindful awareness of these reflexes and impulses within ourselves. Following from that, we need a continuous, patient, gentle, and self-loving attention to doing things right, as our inner observer helps us know what is right for us.
The Author:
Dr. Karl Albrecht is an executive management consultant, coach, futurist, lecturer, and author of more than 20 books on professional achievement, organizational performance, and business strategy. He is listed as one of the Top 100 Thought Leaders in business on the topic of leadership.
He is a recognized expert on cognitive styles and the development of advanced thinking skills. His books Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success, Practical Intelligence: The Art and Science of Common Sense, and his Mindex Thinking Style Profile are used in business and education.
The Mensa society presented him with its lifetime achievement award, for significant contributions by a member to the understanding of intelligence.
Originally a physicist, and having served as a military intelligence officer and business executive, he now consults, lectures, and writes about whatever he thinks would be fun.
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