All marriages, we hear, have power struggles. In my life, my relationship struggles seem to more often be over status.
Historically, people sought to gain higher status through their marriages. For some people, marrying someone of lower status feels like a loss, and they subtly withdraw.
Lower-status partners can become defensive or argumentative, even when they're not being patronized.
When status within a marriage changes—let’s say the lower-earner gets a promotion with a higher salary—both partners are often aware of subtle effects.
I attended Yale, so I have Ivy League status. My partner for a decade had dropped out of junior college. I was okay with that consciously—he was a fascinating story-teller and insightful. As a writer, I envied his way with words, which impressed all my highly educated friends. But when I found him ignorant, I would sometimes feel a pit in my stomach. I didn’t feel superior, I felt frightened: “What am I doing with someone so ignorant?,” I’d think. “This isn’t safe.”
Fear may seem an odd response. I learned later that we’re wired to feel a loss of status as a threat. The idea of sharing my life with someone who didn’t have my status edge of knowledge provoked anxiety, much as I wanted to be egalitarian. I also loved him. I identified with him so when he looked bad (even if only in my eyes) I was hurt.
He became argumentative and defensive.
Intellectual authority became a rough area between us. He liked the Christmas story, although he wasn’t religious or received religious education. When I mentioned that the gospels of the New Testament contain different versions of the Christmas tale, he was shocked. He insisted that there weren’t five gospels. I pulled out a Bible and showed him. This only made matters much much worse.
You might think that happy couples don’t fight or only have resolvable issues. According to the renowned couples counsellor and researcher John Gottman, all couples fight about conflicts that won’t go away. But the happy couples interject humor or affection, recognizing their differences at times without anger. In unhappy couples, we see criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness.
How might status fit in? People who become defensive may be protecting themselves against a threat to their status; people who stonewall may be asserting their greater status by indicating that the other person’s concerns aren’t important.
Criticism and contempt may be attempts to get the buzz of higher status at your partner’s expense or restore a sense of status after feeling a threat. I’ll confess to my share of doing that.
I hope that writing this piece will make me more aware and help me stop in my tracks, in time to switch to mending behavior. If you can keep your ratio of positive to negative interactions at at least five to one, marriages last, Gottman says. One reason may be (I didn't get this from Gottman) that positive interactions soothe status fears and provide status boosters.
Also, couples might think twice about ignoring status issues when they make big decisions. Some people are more aware of their sensitivity to status than others—and we all need to respect that difference. How expensive a house do you need and where? Real estate agents used to say: “Buy the worst house in the best neighborhood.” Actually, that often doesn’t work as an investment . The day-to-day drag of hearing neighbors describe vacations she can’t afford might hurt a wife home with kids. You may choose to live in a bigger house in a less expensive neighborhood.
Maybe you prefer to let your child be the big fish in a less-competitive pond. High-achieving students are less confident in demanding schools than the same students would be in schools where they stood out. Weigh whether more competition will be stimulating for your child, or create too much anxiety. As a couple, you may disagree—but it helps to be accepting and realistic that status concerns have an effect.
from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/28ZoUdp
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