Source: How to Avoid Arguments/YouTube
In my extensive work with couples, I’ve repeatedly observed that partners can’t, or have decided not to, talk about things that are vital to their relationship. And the discussion topics declared “off-limits” are precisely those that brought them (at their wit’s end) into counseling. As a therapist, in these instances one of my central challenges has been to show them just how they can broach these difficult subjects safely. For over time they’d found them to be all too provocative, or inflammatory.
Unable to amicably discuss such issues, the couple—assuming they’ve already given up arguing over them (despite being continually frustrated by them)—have developed the “tactic” of either begrudgingly resigning themselves to the situation, or gone into some sort of hopeless denial about its existence. And that’s commonly the case with couples: going from fighting for what they want and need from the relationship, to protecting themselves from it.
Since the future happiness and well-being of your own union could depend on it, I’ll try in this post to make suggestions that you can begin to implement right away. But although these methods are simple enough to describe, you may have to do some serious soul-searching before you’re able to actually put them into action.
In part, improving the quality of your relationship is about learning new, and more effective, communication skills. Yet—immeasurably more important than this—it’s about coming from a very different “place” when addressing your grievances with your partner. Or, put somewhat differently, it’s about perceiving your partner in a markedly different, and more positive, light. If you’re still harboring hostility or ill will toward your partner, it’s safe to say that regardless of how you initiate a difficult dialogue with them, it will be doomed from the start.
Source: Relationships Are Hard . . ./YouTube
If you’re to talk persuasively about an issue that’s been hard to discuss in the past, the first thing you’ll need to do is to let go of any lingering anger you may have relating to it. For if you can’t neutralize your irritation—and so approach them antagonistically—they’re no doubt going to feel attacked. And if that’s their experience, they’ll be impelled (whether from anxiety or annoyance) either to attack right back, devote all their energy to defending themselves, or disengage from you completely. Obviously, none of these reactions will assist you in moving the matter toward a mutually acceptable resolution.
So—of the countless examples available (especially, in the sexual arena)—let’s just take a fairly common one to exemplify how communicating differently about your frustrations could eventuate in a much more satisfying conclusion.
Say, your partner is considerably less neat or organized than you are, and up till now you haven’t been able to get beyond your resentment toward them for not changing their disorderly ways. And this despite all your well-meaning suggestions and advice. Before anything else, you’ll need to give up your indignation about what you see as nothing other than their stubborn, unreasonable refusal to cooperate with you.
But are you really willing to do this (i.e., let go of your self-justifying sense of righteousness on the matter—and, frankly, sense of superiority as well)? And if you are, just how are you supposed to accomplish this feat?
Disgruntled partners pose these questions to me all the time. For holding such grudges against their mates just feels so right, so totally “legitimate” to them. And it’s only human nature for them to regard themselves as better than their partner in this regard. They feel that—unquestionably—if there’s a God, He’d unequivocally side with them. So to suspend or relinquish their (completely warranted) viewpoint seems almost tantamount to surrendering to something they really shouldn’t have to capitulate to at all.
Yet in fact there are many good reasons to accept that if their partner’s untidy disorganization is simply part of the “package” of who they are—if that’s how they emerged from the womb (regardless of whether you realized this when you decided to make a life with them), then either you can choose to leave the relationship, or to adapt to what may not be susceptible to change.
But beyond that, if you stop faulting them for something that perhaps isn’t hard-wired into them but merely “programmed” by their early environment (i.e., a conditioned habit that, potentially, is changeable), then it’s likely that if you approach them differently—focusing not on their inadequacies but rather your personal discomfiture—they’re much more likely to at least try to alter their bothersome behavior. For they’ll be more motivated to come closer to meeting your (not really their) standards once you stop badgering them about the disarray they routinely leave behind them. If you can approach them with more patience and forbearing, more empathy and understanding, they’ll be far less inclined to continue to do battle with you over something that really is hard for them to change. Certainly, such an attitudinal shift on your part stands a good chance of prompting them toward a greater willingness to accommodate to your desires than has your belittling them in the past.
Further, to begin to engage them differently, here’s what has to happen: You begin to appreciate—truly appreciate—that their behavior or perspective is, from their point of view, just as valid as is your own. That just because their priorities or values may differ from yours doesn’t make them bad or wrong. That you need to see them as not intentionally (or malignantly!) trying to make you miserable, but as simply doing pretty much what they’ve always done—and probably before you even met them. That their wants and needs are just as important to them as yours are to you. . . . And, finally, you have to accept the fact that just as they have their shortcomings or challenges, well, you do too.
So, coming from a more tolerant position on what, previously, you couldn’t help but regard as inexcusably “errant” behavior, you might open your discussion by saying something like this:
Look, I know that being neat and organized doesn’t come anywhere as naturally to you as it does me. And I know I’ve put you down constantly for not promptly getting to the dishes in the sink, or leaving things on the floor, or not making our mortgage payment till the last minute. . . . But I’m now thinking that maybe all this "hounding" has been unfair to you—that maybe I’ve even been “bullying” you.
. . . Like me, I’m realizing that you are who you are. And I’m just starting to get how much all my put-downs have been at the heart of so much of the friction between us. I’ll be honest—if you'd make more of an effort to be mindful about putting things away, or getting to the laundry sooner, or anything I’ve typically griped to you about, it’d make me a lot less tense, a lot more comfortable. . . . But all he same, I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve made the decision that from now on, I’m just not going to keep nagging you about this.
. . . Though at this point I doubt that it seems this way to you, you and our relationship are more important to me than my making you feel (as you put it) that it’s always “my way or the highway.” . . . And I want you to know that if there’s something about me that’s been bothering you, this would be a good time to share it with me, ’cause I’ll do my best to listen to you in a way that maybe I haven’t been able to before. I mean I really want our relationship to be better, and I don’t want you to see me as constantly making “demands” on you, as you’ve been telling me. . . . Sure, I’ll still have the same preferences—that’s just me—but I’m just not going to let your doing things your way get to me the way they have up till now.
Note how in this example, the frustrated spouse (whether she or he) is making the most caring, sincere effort possible to look at this ongoing relationship problem from their partner’s perspective: to see their partner’s contrasting mindset with greater understanding, empathy, and compassion. For the sake of the relationship’s harmony and closeness (vs. their own self-interest), they’re more willing to accept the current state of affairs as it is—and to back off from the pressures that, till now, they’ve put on their spouse to change. And though this altered stance may not necessarily lead to their partner’s changing as they want, it should at least increase their partner’s motivation to try, since (ironically) now they can feel much more comfortable about not trying.
Obviously, if their disorderliness is for them almost a “genetic” phenomenon (see, e.g., Nature’s Thumbprint, Columbia Univ. Press, 1996), their capacity for such change will be minimal. But if their disorganized behaviors are actually more of a habit than anything else—perhaps because their parents never properly “socialized” them to clean up after themselves, or virtually “taught” them to be sloppy and absent-minded through their own chaotic behaviors—then it may be that, with sufficient motivation and effort, it’s quite within their power to make changes that would make you happier.
But either way, if you show your partner more empathy and stop routinely pestering or degrading them, they’ll be far more incentivized to “return the favor” and—newly empathic toward you—consider how their disorderliness may have been causing you much discomfort. And that’s something that, earlier, may not have been possible for them, for all their attention was probably focused on feeling so verbally “pummeled,” by you.
What, ideally, you want to achieve here is an attitudinal shift on their part, by “modeling” it for them. For you’ve determined that your overall commitment to the relationship is more important than a behavior that, admittedly, you’ve always disliked—and that, in a sense, you’ve let yourself be this aggravated by. And you’ve also decided that, finally, your relationship with them—and the emotional safety of this relationship—ultimately outweigh your concern about whether they’re as neat and orderly as you’d prefer.
Source: Holding Hands/Pixabay
Does it make sense to you that continuing to fight a battle you’ve never succeeded in winning—and to do so in the same way you always have—is, well, kind of crazy? And that change, if indeed it’s possible, will come only through approaching your partner differently? For only when you do, can you either be instrumental in creating the change you’ve so much desired, or simply begin to accept—and with an open heart— what (at least in this respect) your partner can't change.
NOTE 1: I’ve written many other posts on relationships that in various ways complement this one. If you’d like to explore them, below are some titles and links:
"When Your Partner's 'Caring' Feels More Like Controlling"
“Do You Defend Your Partner’s Defenses? Here’s Why You Should”
“Compromise Made Simple: 7 Handy Tips for Couples”
“Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear”
“What’s the Key Imperative for Lasting Love?"
"How to Optimize Your Relationship: The 70/70 Compromise"
“How to Respond When Your Partner's Bark Feels Like a Bite”
“The Danger of Trying to Possess Who You Love”
“Don’t Just Salvage Your Relationship—Recreate It!”
“6 Ways to Recreate, Not Just Salvage, Your Relationship”
“The Three Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner”
“Can You Give Your Spouse as Much Love as They Don’t Deserve?”
“In Relationships, Understanding—Not Agreement—Is Key. Why?”
“One Marriage = Two Realities”
"Giving to Get vs. Griping to Get”
“How Rational Are ‘Rational’ Marriages?”
“Couples—Stop Fighting Over Money!”
"Criticism vs. Feedback—Which One Wins, Hands Down?" (Parts 1 & 2)
"Anger—How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear"
"Stop Criticizing Your Mate!—Re-Learning What You Once Knew"
"Communication: The Universal Phobia"
NOTE 2: If you could relate to this post and think others you know might also, kindly consider forwarding them its link.
NOTE 3: To check out other posts I’ve done for Psychology Today online—on a broad variety of psychological topics—click here.
© 2016 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
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