I Lost My Step-Family And I'm Distressed

Dear Dr.G,
I'm not sure if this is the proper way to contact you, but I'm just in dire
need of help. My parents got divorced when I was about three, I'm twelve now.
When I was around six my dad met this woman, Francine. She had a son that
was one and a half. Two years later, they got engaged. Her prior husband was
not a good man. Fast forward to about two years ago, my father and Francine started fighting.
No hits were thrown, just what seemed like endless screaming at each other. I
would just sit on the stairs and listen to them argue every night. They never
got married, but they had one child. They decided to split up. The boy from
Francine's prior marriage, Josh, is now six. That boy grew on me. She took
him to a neighborhood nearby. My father made me end all contact with them.
It's been seven months since I've seen them. I miss them so very much, but at
the mention of Josh, my father cries, and so do I. He knows that I miss them,
but it's a very sensitive subject. What should I do?

An Upset Sister

Dear Sister,

Thank you so much for writing to me. You point out an aspect of the step-family relationship that is rarely mentioned and that is what happens after the dissolution of the step-family. This is a very important issue that is rarely discussed in public forums. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address this.

First, I have a question for you. I am aware that you miss Josh, your stepmom's child from another relationship, but do you also miss your half brother from your dad's relationship with Francine. Do you miss Francine? I know that she and your father never married but that detail seems unimportant. She was clearly in the stepmother role in your life so she was likely an important person in your life as well. Second, does your father have any contact with his biological child from his relationship with Francine or with Josh or Francine?

I think that it is crucial that you re-visit your ability to see all 3 of these members of your family. I am not in support of people cutting each other off and avoiding each other. Since this topic appears to be such a sensitive one for your father perhaps you and he need to discuss it in the presence of a family therapist. Clearly, both you and your father are in emotional pain. Your father's tendency to cry when Francine's son is mentioned is a clear indication of his level of distress. I also wonder how much distress Francine's children are experiencing since they have been cut off. It's not clear whose decision it was to end contact but you may learn about this in the context of a therapy session.

You have experienced both transitions and abandonment during your life and you clearly need to address these issues. Please reach out to your father regarding seeing a therapist. My hope is that you will be able to develop a visitation schedule that makes you happy.

Good luck and please get back to me.

Dr. G.

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