The Art of Communication: Stay in Lockstep

“So I’m thinking of inviting my parents over for dinner this weekend,” says Ann.

“Aw, really again,” sighs Jake. “Wasn’t she just here a couple of weeks ago?”

“Actually it was three weeks ago. What’s the big deal? I like seeing my parents, unlike you who never talks to yours.” (Ann is getting ramped up)

“How about you don’t start, okay?” snaps back Jake. The last time your parents were here, they…”

You can probably already tell that this is not going to end well.

If you’ve ever bought a car or a refrigerator and worked with a good salesperson, what made the salesperson good was probably two things: one, which you noticed, is that she listened well to what you were saying and asking for -- about price range, features, etc. -- so she could steer you in the right direction.

The other thing she probably did, which you may not have caught, was stay in lockstep with you. When she mentioned that this particular car was a few hundred dollars more but came with a side-view safety feature and saw you shake your head ever so slightly, she probably stopped and either asked what you thought about this feature, or pointed in the direction of finding a car without it and stayed within your price range.

The art of selling is getting yeses all away down the line of the negotiation and pitch. Any potential objection that went unnoticed or unaddressed could result in the customer saying “He’ll think about it,” when it’s time to close the deal.

This staying in lockstep, countering resistance as it arises, is important for you too when doing what is called non-sales selling – trying to persuade your partner to help out more with the kids at bedtime, or like Ann, trying to have Jake on board with the parents and dinner.

There’s a lot of talk in the therapy world about content vs. process. Where Ann and Jake are getting into trouble is doing what most of us instinctively do. When you sense some resistance, you’re next step is to ramp up your evidence (content), and as your emotions ramp up as well, you stack up even more and more facts to make your case. The problem is that the other person is now getting upset as well, is stacking up his own set of facts, which neither of you can process because your emotional brain has shut down your rational one. Instead you want to focus on process, not the what but the how – the emotion, the flow of the conversation.

How to do it? Here are the steps:

Stop as soon as you encounter some resistance

As soon as Jake says Aw and heaves a sigh, Ann knows there is a problem in the room. The issue is no longer about parents and dinner but now about Jake’s emotions. Ann needs to resist the urge to run over him by becoming more insistent, more emotional herself, and not start stacking facts. The goal is to put out the emotional fire that is starting.

Ask and listen

"Jake, it sounds like you think this is not a good idea. What’s bothering about this?"

Now Jake says, "Your parents were just here."

Discover the problem under the problem

The negative reaction you're hearing is the outcome or bad solution, not the problem. You want to next find out the problem under the problem. Here the salesperson may say, "I just noticed you shaking your head. What’s bothering about this – the price, not sure if you need this feature?"

Ann can do the same: "What’s bothering you about my parents coming again?" Here Ann may find that he has other plans for the weekend, or that he is upset about something Ann’s father said the last time he was over, maybe he resents Ann also seeming to control the weekend time. If Jake has a hard time opening up, she can ask leading questions: "Do you have other plans for the weekend?" etc.

Talk about fixing the problem under the problem

Logical next step. If Jake has other plans, can they both work around them. If his father -in- law hurt his feelings, does he need to say something about it before he seems him again, and / or can Ann help in some way with this. If it’s about Ann seeming to be controlling, can they have an adult conversation about it. This is not about Ann or Jake giving in, but them reaching some mutually satisfying agreement.

Control your voice and emotion

This is key and what you want to do throughout the conversation and admittedly the toughest part. It’s the non-verbals, the way you sound that usually triggers the other guy. Sound calm. If you are getting upset and can’t rein it in, just stop and take a break. Only try and solve problems when you’re flat-lined and not emotional.

So the big takeaways are: Put out the fire of emotion by listening and not fueling the fire with facts. Stay in lockstep and address objections as soon as the arise. Don’t move forward until you get a "solid yes".

I know you're thinking, "All this is easy to say, of course, and harder to do." But good communication is a skill that can be learned. If it is difficult to do this with your partner because you can both so easily push each other’s buttons, start and practice with easier challenges – people at work, your kids, salespeople. Try to focus on process, not content, your own emotions, those of the other, rather than getting lost in the content and making your case.

Really, it’s all a matter of practice.

from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/24lAjbr
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