These days, everyone seems to be looking for romantic love. However, few of us realize that, far from being timeless and universal, romantic love is a modern construct that emerged in tandem with the novel.
In Madame Bovary (1856), itself a novel, Gustave Flaubert tells us that Emma Bovary only found out about romantic love through ‘the refuse of old lending libraries’. These books, he continues,
...were all about love and lovers, damsels in distress swooning in lonely lodges, postillions slaughtered all along the road, horses ridden to death on every page, gloomy forests, troubles of the heart, vows, sobs, tears, kisses, rowing-boats in the moonlight, nightingales in the grove, gentlemen brave as lions and gentle as lambs, too virtuous to be true, invariably well-dressed, and weeping like fountains.
There are, however, many other ways to love, not all of them compatible with romantic love. By preoccupying ourselves with romantic love, we risk neglecting other types of love which are more readily accessible and which may, especially in the longer term, prove more fulfilling and less limiting.
The seven types of love listed in this article are loosely based on classical readings, especially of Plato and Aristotle, and on J. A. Lee's book, Colours of Love (1973).
1. Eros
Eros is sexual or passionate love, and most akin to the modern construct of romantic love. In Greek myth, it is a form of madness brought about by one of Cupid’s arrows. The arrow wounds us and we 'fall' in love, as Paris did with Helen, leading to the Trojan War and downfall of Troy. In modern times, eros has been amalgamated with the broader life force, something akin to Schopenhauer’s will: a fundamentally blind process of striving for survival and reproduction. Eros has also been contrasted with Logos, or Reason, and Cupid represented as a blindfolded child.
2. Philia
The hallmark of philia, or friendship, is shared goodwill. For Aristotle, a person can bear goodwill to another for one of three reasons: that he is useful, that he is pleasant, and, above all, that he is good, that is, rational and virtuous. Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust. For Plato, the best kind of friendship is that which lovers can have for each other. It is a philia born out of eros, and that in turn feeds back into eros to strengthen and develop it, transforming it from a lust for possession into a shared desire for a higher level of understanding of the self, the other, and the world. By refining and subliming the object of love, we are able to transcend the physical and experience beauty itself, rather than the various apparitions of beauty.
3. Storge
Storge (‘store-gae’), or familial love, is a kind of philia that pertains between parents and their children. It differs from most philia in that it tends, especially with younger children, to be unilateral or asymmetrical. More broadly, storge is the fondness of familiarity or dependency, and, unlike eros or philia, does not hang on our personal qualities. People in the early stages of a romantic relationship often expect storge, but find only eros, and, if they are lucky, philia. Over time, eros often mutates into storge, and, if we are lucky, there is philia and pragma as well.
4. Agape
Agape is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. Unlike storge, it does not depend on filiation or familiarity. Also called ‘charity’ by Christian thinkers, agape is not dissimilar to the modern concept of altruism, which can be defined as the unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Recent studies link altruism with a number of benefits. In the short-term, altruism leaves us with a euphoric feeling, or so-called ‘helpers’ high’. In the longer term, it is associated with better mental and physical health and longevity. At a social level, altruism serves as a signal of cooperative intentions, and also of resource availability and so of mating or partnering potential. It also opens up a debt account, encouraging beneficiaries to reciprocate with gifts and favours that are potentially of much greater value to us than those with which we felt able to part. More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological and social fabric that shields, sustains, and enriches us.
5. Ludus
Ludus is playful or uncommitted love. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, or more overt flirting and seducing. The focus is on fun, and sometimes also on conquest, with no strings attached. Ludus relationships are opportunistic, casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated, but, for (or because of) all that, can be very long-lasting. Ludus works best when both parties are self-sufficient. Problems arise when one party mistakes ludus for eros, whereas ludus is in fact much more compatible with philia.
6. Pragma
Pragma is a kind of practical love founded on reason or duty and one’s longer-term interests. Sexual attraction takes a back seat in favour of personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and ‘making it work’. In the days of arranged marriages, pragma may well have been the most common type of love, and is still quite common today—witness certain high-profile celebrity and political pairings. Many relationships that start as eros or lupus end up as storge or pragma.
7. Philautia
Philautia is self-love, which can be either healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy self-love is akin to hubris. In Ancient Greece, people could be accused of hubris if they placed themselves above the gods. Many believed that hubris led to destruction, or nemesis. Today, hubris has come to denote an inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, or accomplishments, especially when accompanied by haughtiness or arrogance. As it disregards Truth, hubris promotes injustice, conflict, and enmity.
Healthy self-love is akin to self-esteem, which is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
Self-esteem and self-confidence do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case, for example, with many performers and celebrities.
People with a high self-esteem do not need to prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs, or sex. They are able to invest themselves completely in projects and people because they do not fear failure or rejection. Of course they suffer hurt and disappointment, but their setbacks neither damage nor diminish them. Owing to their resilience, they are open to growth experiences and meaningful relationships, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.
Neel Burton is author of Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions and other books.
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