Does it ever seem like your close friends know you and understand your patterns of behavior better than you do yourself? There are key factors related to social perception that may account for this:
Self-Deception & Self-Protective Biases. We are quite protective of our images of ourselves. We like to believe that we are good, smart, kind, and possess a whole host of other positive qualities. We use self-protective biases to help guard our often-fragile egos, and maintain a positive view of ourselves. Our close friends, on the other hand, aren’t as invested in our image, and often call things as they see them. This doesn’t mean that friends aren’t also biased, but we have more invested in protecting our image of ourselves.
Perspective. Have you ever had a close friend predict what you were going to do, when you thought you were being spontaneous and acting in the moment? Our close friends view us in a variety of situations and often serve as keen observers of our behavior. On the other hand, we, as the main actor, see only what is in front of us. That means, that our friends are able to see patterns of behavior that we may be unaware of. For example, our friends may observe the facial expression of displeasure or the wide personal space that we maintain when interacting with a certain individual, and our friend points out our apparent dislike of the individual. Unaware of our own behavior, we might not realize our negative feelings toward the individual until our friend points it out.
Actor-Observer Bias. Building on the idea of perspective, this very fundamental bias in perception states that when we try to explain why we do things (we are the “actor”), we tend to over-ascribe cause to situational factors. So, for example, when we fail at something, we tend toward situational explanations (e.g., “the sun was in my eyes,” “it was because of peer pressure,” etc.). Those watching us are biased toward making dispositional attributions for our actions (“she is awkward,” “he is immoral”). As a result, we tend to blame the situation, while others blame us. Because our friends are prone to making dispositional biases (there you go again!”) it may seem that they know us very well indeed.
So, how can we get to know ourselves better?
First, we have to be honest with ourselves. Own up to mistakes. Review and critique our own behavior. Second, Realize that both the situation and our psychological makeup are responsible for our actions and outcomes. Realize that our friends also have a biased perspective.
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