Feathering the Empty Nest

Early this Spring, I became a follower of the live streaming of the Decorah Eagles on the UStream app. The camera is in Iowa aimed at the nest 80 feet in the air 24/7 where 2 “toddlers” and one un-hatched egg, live with Mom and Dad in their huge nest. They are a “good looking” family, although their nest is a mess probably because the parents are so busy finding food, sitting on the egg, guarding their home and feeding hungry birds day and night.

I was fascinated since I’m experiencing the Empty Nest phase of life myself. I began to see the actions of the eagle parents as a metaphor and wondered what they would do after their babies learn to fly. Unlike some humans, adult eagles are mated for life (up to 30 years) until one of them dies, so they are “committed” to each other with or without children.

I noticed as I watched that the couple hardly spent any time together, only a few minutes a day. Dad sits on a branch watching out for predators in the same tree as the nest when he isn’t hunting and delivering dinner. Mom fusses over the egg, covering it with hay and sticks, poking at it now and then when she isn’t feeding the kids and fixing up the nest. She also hunts and feeds her little ones when she gets a chance.

To further stretch the metaphor - I imagine the eagle mom worrying when the kids start to jump up on higher branches as they learn to fly in preparation to leave the nest. Is she wondering as we might - Where are they? Are they hungry? Who are they hanging out with? In my imagination the mom eagle is probably obsessing while dad may be relieved to have less stress without the duty of protecting his eaglets from predators, but he also experiences occasional worry.

Does this sound familiar to you? If you have children but aren’t yet an empty nester, do you wonder what it would be like to have a marriage without the responsibility of children? Will your marriage/relationship be better after your kids are launched? Research says that committed relationships improve in middle age with more enjoyment between partners once their children leave.

I have worked with many couples who are in the middle of raising teenagers, paying bills, building careers, caring for a home, and spread very thin with children’s activities. In their relationship, they struggle to communicate, find time to be supportive of one another or have a satisfying sexual relationship. Through their fatigue they could not visualize a future of closeness and intimacy without the daily stress of family life. They need help to visualize and plan for the good experiences ahead and see their stress as the enemy rather than their partner.

According to a long term 18 year study of women in middle age, (Gorchoff, S; Helson, John U of CA, 2008) relationships improved because of the quality of connection rather than simply having more time together. This was true in both first and second marriages.

Why and how do Empty Nest relationships improve?

Couples who were able to maintain their connection through the child rearing years will have a smoother transition into empty nest years. Those who focused solely on their children and careers will have to take some time to get to know their partner again. Many seek counseling to do that.

These are some of the positive factors that bring empty nest couples closer:

Attunement – Having shared and survived the highs and lows in life, couples learn their partner’s soft spots, habits, gifts and weaknesses. They are able to offer comfort, nurturing, forgiveness and joy. They sense when the other is hurting, afraid, happy or sad. They are more able to overlook annoying habits knowing that they both have many imperfections and that doesn’t have to change for love to continue. This is the result of a secure attachment.

Gratitude - One study about gratitude in marriages (Cameron Gordon, U of NC, 2011, “Have You Thanked Your Spouse Today? Felt and Expressed Gratitude among Married Couples,” November 2011, Personality and Individual Differences) found that “individuals who reported feeling higher levels of gratitude had spouses who were happier with their marriage.”

The amazing thing about this is that one person can make another feel good about the relationship just by thinking grateful thoughts.

The same is true in reverse. When we think critical thoughts, our partner can also feel that. Focusing on what you like about your partner creates an atmosphere of acceptance and love.

Privacy and Intimacy – It may take a little while to adjust to being alone with each other more frequently but it is something most couples have longed for and with practice it is a welcomed change. With time and privacy, frequent intimate conversations, gestures like holding hands, slow dancing, eye contact, and lingering hugs and kisses are more likely to occur spontaneously.

The nature of a middle age sexual relationship may change but attraction and romance are still there. Intimate touch becomes more about loving contact without the pressure of performance. Staying active, playful and healthy can help couples to continue a passionate and satisfying sex life for years to come.

Laughter – Having shared history and a sense of humor makes life more enjoyable. Private jokes, time with peers, sharing adventures, new activities and for some the joy of grandchildren, are all bonding experiences.

Reduced Stress – Downsizing or moving from the “big house”, retirement or the freedom of beginning a new career gradually make life simpler and expand choices. Without the expense of children there are fewer financial responsibilities. Those who planned for retirement years will have fewer financial problems.

Things that may negatively impact the Empty Nest relationship

Addiction – Dependence on alcohol or other substances can begin or worsen in middle age and beyond often due to significant life changes, creating serious problems for the individual and family. Signs of addiction among seniors can be mistaken for signs of aging, making substance use problems among this population often difficult to detect. They also may be more likely to receive multiple prescriptions from doctors that may increase the risk of misuse.

Depression and anxiety often accompany addiction. There are many programs and facilities that specialize in treating addiction and co-occurring disorders in seniors, that are specifically designed to fit their needs. Seniors and their partners, as many people, are ashamed to admit they have an alcohol or drug problem and are often reluctant to seek treatment. Their adult children may also want to avoid such a sensitive subject with their parents. The good news is that treatment may give the couple many happy years they did not expect to have. It is never too late to seek help.

Adult children who are not thriving – When addiction, mental illness, relationship problems, or financial issues occur in their grown children, it is a heavy burden for some empty nesters. In some cases it may require helping grandchildren as well. It is important to seek help for yourself early on to be effective in your approach and to preserve your health, relationship and finances. Some parents do not know how to set boundaries with their adult children and spend their later years supporting and enabling their adult children, contributing to their own decline. They will most likely need counseling to learn more effective ways to interact. [I strongly recommend the book “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” by Gary and Joy Lundberg.]

Health issues – Caring for each other can be a positive or a negative factor depending on the length of time, seriousness of the illness and its’ impact on your ability to enjoy life. Caretakers need a support system of friends or professionals to prevent long term consequences of neglecting their own well being.

Aging or ailing parents – With today’s longevity it is possible to have parents in their 90’s and beyond. Making decisions and caring for parents may strain a relationship. Couples who have a strong attachment will be better at facing problems together and sharing the responsibility of their parents’ needs.

Adjustment to retirement is usually a temporary challenge. Some individuals may want to begin new careers while their partner is winding down. Roles may reverse with household responsibilities and earning. Again, if the connection is strong and secure couples can work through the change by compromising and being conscious of each other’s needs.

If you are in a committed relationship, ready or not, you will eventually be face to face with your partner. The outcome will depend on how much you prepared. If you want to have a great relationship in the future you will need to start now.

• Children become independent and responsible over time. If you hover over them you may be neglecting your marriage/relationship. It is possible to be a very good parent and have a great relationship. Part of parenting is teaching your children about healthy relationships by the example you provide.
• Tend to your relationship by carving out private time, affection, talking about your future together, having fun, and saving for retirement.
• Seek help for your relationship early on if problems arise. Your children are much better off if your relationship is healthy now and in the future.
• Remember that your life as a couple matters too.

Sadly, some couples may not be able to stay together and choose to separate or divorce once children are gone due to domestic abuse, mental health issues, infidelity or ongoing conflicts. That is a difficult and painful choice to make but is sometimes best for all concerned. With help and time people do recover and can turn the loss into a positive life changing experience.

from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/2arq7M5
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