Despite their intent to be as authentic and open, many committed and caring couples use covert behaviors to get their needs met when they don’t trust that direct requests would work. It’s not they intend to take advantage of each other, but simply feel they will be more successful if they use more strategic tactics in certain situations. They don’t feel they are trying to manipulate; they’re just doing what they believe makes their relationship more workable.
Many people define manipulation as a behavior that intentionally uses another for personal gain. Though it is commonly believed this regularly happens in the outside world, most intimate partners either don’t recognize that they practice it in their relationship, or don’t want to admit that they do. Even the most loving and caring partners regularly use manipulative techniques to get their partners to do things they might not otherwise choose to do. When I ask them if they would rather be open about all of their wishes, they agree that would be more ideal, but are fearful that kind of transparency would create more problems.
Learning to strategize begins early in childhood. Every child quickly learns when and how to ask for something that will get them what they need. They usually start by saying what they want directly, but soon realize that a more strategic move works better. I fondly remember a six-year-old little boy in my office ignoring his mother’s requests to behave. After she made several unsuccessful attempts to control him, she raised her hand to give him a swat on his bottom. He looked at her with a very sweet expression on his face and said, “You’re so beautiful when your mad, mommy.” We both tried to keep a straight face, but it worked. Yes, he copied it from watching his dad.
Many of my patients have told me that their partners could easily see behind their manipulative tactics if they wanted to, but believe that they really would rather not. Or, both partners have accepted that neither is always straight in all areas, but they are usually more honest in the most important ones. They’ve also told me that a good outcome justifies strategic choices because being direct can cause unnecessary conflicts.
I recall a middle-aged patient many years ago who was determined to stay married to her often-unfaithful husband, showing me her latest “re-entry bracelet.” She loved beautiful jewelry and he had learned to soothe her by the timely acquisition of just the right token at the right time. It was a non-spoken, dual strategy that seemed to work for both of them. Another told me that she crushed Viagra and put it in their husband’s dinner because he would not acknowledge his erectile dysfunction. She knew it worked better if taken without food, but he wasn’t willing to acknowledge his predicament, and she enjoyed intercourse too much to give it up.
Very often those “working the system” behaviors can become so much part of a couple’s habits that they see them as just part of running a successful partnership. And, very often those behaviors are reinforced because they work. Sadly, though, major problems can arise when intimate partners unconsciously or consciously use them on each other and the covert behavior is unearthed. If trust is the act of believing that one’s most reliable and intimate friend is always honest, then the discovery of manipulative behavior in any important area to either partner can shake that trust and threaten the relationship.
The use of manipulative techniques will likely continue to be part of every intimate relationship. But caring partners, who want to be as authentic with one another as possible, can recognize when they are being strategically indirect, and learn ways to be more transparent without necessarily risking their intimate connection. The closer both can come to being completely open and honest in what they want from one another, the more they will be able to create a spiritual and emotional sanctuary that sustains love as no other connection can.
There are many ways that people indirectly try to control a situation’s outcome. Most of them are used often, but others are far less obvious. Some are minor indiscretions but others could be more potentially threatening to the relationship if they are inadvertently exposed.
As I share the twelve most common manipulative techniques with you, please do not judge yourself if you recognized that you or your partner practice some of them, or perhaps others that are unique to your own relationship. Try to help each other feel more comfortable sharing them with each other.
The Twelve Most Common Manipulative Behaviors
1) Using guilt
People feel guilty when they don’t live up to the expectations of people who are important to them. If you know what makes your partner feel badly about him or herself, and use that knowledge to get what you need, you are using emotional blackmail as your manipulative strategy.
2) Martyrdom
If you over-give on a regular basis, you could be trying to build an emotional credit card balance that your partner may feel obligated to pay when you want something, even if he or she would not have chosen to do that for you otherwise.
3) Using others to “sell” your idea
This kind of coercion happens when one partner cites biased references to get the other to comply. “Everyone thinks...” “Our best friends always take a least two vacations a year.” “The newest research shows that…” “Lots of happy couples…”
4) Hiding your errors
If you fear your partner’s criticism or disappointment, you may find yourself hiding something you’ve done wrong and waiting for a time when you’re getting along well, hoping to soften the blow.
5) Presenting exaggerated, embellished, or untrue reasons for your behaviors to neutralize a potentially bad reaction
If you’re caught doing something that your partner feels upset by, you create a more believable story to sway your partner to your side. If he or she “understands” that your behavior was legitimate under those circumstances, you might be able to neutralize a potentially negative response.
6) Over-reacting to get your partner to feel wrong about what he or she was feeling
Creating drama is a typical way to getting your partner to back down, if he or she dislikes scenes, emotional turmoil, or exaggerated consequences. Even if you actually feel that intensely, you are consciously or unconsciously counting on the fact that your partner will back down to avoid the intensity of the situation.
7) Presenting something as a gift to your partner when it was really something you wanted
One example would be telling your partner that a fantastic deal came up that you know he or she would really like but might have not thought of, when it’s really something you want but didn’t think you could get it if you didn’t present it as a “gift.”
8) Feigning an excuse when you either don’t want to do something, or don’t want to be held responsible for breaking an agreement or disappointing your partner
“I have a headache, honey.” “It’s been a really hard day. Just didn’t expect so much stress. I’ll get to it tomorrow.” “I’m so sorry. I just forgot. I guess too much on mind.” “I can only do so much. I’m only human.”
9) Passive/Aggressive Behaviors
Agreeing with your partner’s request in the moment to avoid disappointing or upsetting him or her, but somehow never getting around to what you agreed to. If you use this strategy often, your partner will lose trust in you.
10) Being intentionally accommodating in advance to create compliance when you want something later
This is one of the most common types of manipulation. Most intimate partners know what pleases the other and how to put on momentary charm for a later request the other can’t comfortably refuse.
11) Padding a request to ensure that what you want will be granted
This strategy requires that you purposefully ask for much more than you know you will get, knowing that your partner will offer less, which is what you really only wanted. “Honey, my dream would be to get that new Tesla. What do you think?” (He really would be very happy with a Lexus.)
12) Temporarily hiding something you’ve done wrong to fix it before it is discovered
It’s understandable that you don’t want your partner disappointed in something you’ve done and you’re sure you can hide or fix it before he or she finds out. You’re playing against the clock, so you have to get very good at keeping him or her off the trail until you have it covered.
Remember, most intimate partners only resort to manipulative behavior when they truly believe they can’t get what they need by being more open and direct. Very often those fears and subsequent behaviors that began in childhood are not necessary in adult relationships, but people continue using them. If loving couples are willing to share the ways they are fearful of being fully open with their needs and fears, they often end up learning that covert strategies have kept them from a deeper love.
Dr. Randi’s free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. Based on over 100,000 face-to-face hours counseling singles and couples over her 40-year career, you’ll learn how to zero in on the right partner, avoid the dreaded “honeymoon is over” phenomenon, and make sure your relationship never gets boring. www.heroiclove.com
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