Last month I wrote a blog about different steps I suggest for a man to connect to his feelings. Ayellet Cohen-Vider, a respected colleague of mine who is a psychologist in Jerusalem, wrote me an e-mail in response; I wrote her back, and she answered me again. She gave me permission to publish our correspondence as part of today's blog:
Dear Josh:
I read your blog. It is wonderfully written, flowing, and interesting. You pointed out very creative and important ideas. But I feel something basic remains unresolved even after men connect to their feelings. I'm seeing couples where the man is sensitive, deep, intelligent and connected to his feelings and still causes great pain to his wife. His wife in turn, causes him great pain; simultaneously she allows him to hurt her. Something in the partnerships surrounding me is filled with tremendous pain. Perhaps what is missing is more of a balance in the giving/receiving? In the ability of a woman to take care of herself and the ability of a man to empathize with another? The world today is so unbalanced along this axis and everyone suffers. The woman accumulates anger (oftentimes justified) and releases it in hurtful and emasculating ways. The man is disconnecting and disconnected because of his fear of commitment. In this way a closed and painful loop is created. I'm trying to understand how what you're suggesting moves us forward from this situation.
Dear Ayellet:
Thank you for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful and intelligent way. I wish I knew the answers to your great questions! But perhaps that's just the point of this male/female relational divide. No one side has "the answer" and we have to put our heads and hearts together to step ever deeper into what it means to be in relationship with another. That's why I welcome this opportunity to take the next step with you.
First, I can't help but wonder if some of the imbalance you're describing isn't one of power. Men have for millennia enjoyed greater power and privilege and even when they consciously say they don't want that undeserved privilege the society is set up in such a way to push us all back into this imbalance.
I'm a simple guy and I can't take on anything as big as society. But I do think within our relationships we can strive for more consciousness in this regard. Perhaps the solution is exactly what you're saying: I think a woman who steps more fully into her power and sense of agency will more readily recognize the ways in which she sometimes wields her power in hurtful ways. A man who more fully is capable of experiencing a reality other than his own will be far less likely to act in a hurtful way.
But I think we're still just scratching the surface. I ask myself: what is it about a man that causes him to forego all the initiative and creativity and sense of agency he demonstrates every day in his job and turn himself into some kind of robot when it comes to his wife? Even something as basic and necessary as talking: meetings at work can be difficult because every man is jockeying to be heard. Why doesn't that urge to speak come home with him?
Similarly, I see incredibly intelligent, self sufficient women doubt themselves when they step into relationship. Some of the harsh language they use in asserting themselves in relationship to their husband seems to stem from, to my eyes, a lack of deeply believing in the validity of what they're saying.
But I know there's still more to be uncovered. Do you have any further ideas?
Hi Josh
I agree with your analysis about relations of power and the conservative pressure that society exerts on these relations. Yet I don’t think you properly appreciate the potential for change that is made possible by shifts of consciousness and by unpacking the embedded stereotypes we’ve been stuck with in order to pave new pathways for social change.
You describe situations that are very familiar to me from my personal life and from the stories of my clients. I try to understand what causes this disparity between the energy and the creativity and passion that fuels us at work and the regressive discourse that characterizes the relational dialog at home. The impressive man on the job turns into a zombie at home. The successful and funny woman in the office becomes a bitter cop at home.
To me it sounds like a loss of desire and passion, plus boatloads of anger and bitterness that have accumulated over time. At home everything is familiar and known, predictable and too certain. At work new things are happening. I need to prove myself every day. I’m compensated and advanced and I battle for my position. At home there are no bonuses, no paths for career advancement, no strategic plans for institutional change.
I think the disruption of familiar patterns can help. Individual pigeonholes sit within societal norms and imprison us in a chronic state of predictable boredom. You are suggesting to shake off these dusty norms. You are telling men to be less role bound and to allow themselves to be more conscious of their vulnerability. This is a necessary step, but not enough.
The final step I believe is to invite men to develop their empathic muscles for their partner, not from fear or a desire to please her but from a standpoint of partnership and friendship. With women the empathic muscle has usually been well developed from an early age. But they need to work on the muscle of independence and to experience their own power. They must ask themselves at each crossroad and at each choice: What do I truly want? I think this is likely to cause them to build a deeper partnership, to be less nice but more creative and connected to their power.
Ayelet Cohen Wieder is a clinical psychologist and hypnotherapist. She is the founder and head of psychological services for women health in Jerusalem, teaches psychology in Ono Academic college and writes a blog on "Hebrew Psychology" that integrates psychological interpretation into biblical texts. She can be reached at ayellet185@gmail.com.
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