Why You Are a Big, Green Judging Machine

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You probably don’t like it when people negatively judge you. Your brain tells you they are a threat, an enemy, or not worthy of your time. Yet you constantly judge others. Out of survival, you are a big, green judging machine.

In order to get through the day, you have a strong sense of how the world ought to work. When someone criticizes your perspective, your brain senses an attack. You then hurl a counter-judgement, mentally or verbally. If you have been watching TV news lately, your judgy brain has been getting a good workout.

We grow up being told we should be sure of ourselves and our choices. Being confident is critical to success. The downside is that staunchly protecting who you think you are and how the world should work curtails your ability to connect and collaborate with others who don’t agree with you. You hold on tightly to the beliefs, assumptions, and expectations that guide “the right” decisions and behavior.

This doesn’t make you bad; this makes you human. It takes courage to override your protective nature and say, “Hmm… that’s fascinating. I’ll give it some thought.”  

Conscious bias

Sometimes you know why you judge people as wrong, incompetent, uncaring, silly or clueless. Since your conclusions are conscious, you might not care how your subsequent words or actions impact others. But if you gave your reaction a second thought, you might change your mind. You might even learn to laugh at yourself when your biases show up. Or, you can explain why you hold onto a bias so others understand your point of view if they choose to look at it. 

For example, I like to work. Some of my friends spend more time going to social events than I do. It serves me to recognize and release my judgment about their choices. It also helps our relationships when I can calmly respond to them when they tell me that I should have more life balance. I can respond by saying, “I know you care about me, but I am passionate about the work I do. We both make choices about how to spend our time based on what we love. If you want to spend more time with me, just ask. I do value our friendship too.”

To determine if you are acting on a bias instead of a truth -  

1. Stop and notice if you are judging someone. Don’t criticize yourself for this or spend time finding a suitable rationalization. Instead, ask yourself how you know that your judgment is true. If your answer is flimsy, do your best to let it go so you can act differently.
2. Question your assumptions and opinions, both negative and positive. Ask yourself what belief is driving your choice of words or behavior. If you are leaning one way or another without a good reason that is evident right now, choose to release the grasp you are holding on your point of view. 
3. Strive to be more curious. Ask more questions. Try to NOT KNOW how people will respond to you until you hear them out. Enjoy looking beyond what you tend to think so you can discover something new.

Other biases are unconscious, meaning you are not aware of the conviction you hold that is directing your behavior. It’s likely you also don’t see the impact your preferences have on others.  You hurt people, exclude them, ignore them, or push them in a direction you think is best for them without realizing you could be wrong. The impact of your biases range from simply annoying others to seriously harming them.

Typical unconscious biases relate to attitudes about age, race, nationalities, gender, religion, and lifestyle choices. You might also be quick to judge social behavior like how people behave at the grocery store, what pets they choose, what sports or teams they like, how they talk, walk or drive, and how they treat you even when they mean well.

Unconscious bias is often referred to as a blind spot. If you would like to have more peace in your life and improve the quality of your relationships with friends, colleagues, and the people you sit next to on an airplane, you might spend some time trying to bring some of your unconscious biases to light.

Because unconscious biases are difficult to see, it is helpful to allow a friend you trust to point out when one of your biases appears. You can find tips on how to have these uncomfortable yet powerful conversations in my book, The Discomfort Zone.

Also, consider hiring a professional coach who is trained to uncover what you blindly defend.

Life is easier when you see your biases and open yourself to new possibilities. You gain peace of mind and improve your interactions.

We are all big, green judging machines. And as humans, we are capable of expanding our points of view. I wish for a world full of people seeing beyond their biases. I hope you will wish for that too.

from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/2a3N1JW
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