After infidelity: ‘What to do? And what not to do?’ Myrna Reisman-Moreno, LMHC, couples therapist extraordinaire, today’s guest blogger, homes in on practical guidelines that make dealing with the pain easier. She writes:
You discover your partner has had an affair. Panic, confusion, mental and physical pain turn your reality into a dark place. Advice floods in from family and friends, books, and the Internet. Your life divides into before-the-affair and after-it stages. No matter how much regret your unfaithful partner voices, you remain unsatisfied and mistrust lingers.
Finding out that the person whom you loved and trusted has had sex, or an emotional relationship with another--be it briefly or for years—causes you to feel like the earth has opened up and swallowed you. I have learned a few things from working as a couples therapist and from running my women’s infidelity support groups that seem to help. Here are nine guidelines:
First Guideline: You may want to turn immediately to Facebook, the phone, and email to tell everyone what he/she has done to you. Slow yourself down! Take a deep breath. Act judiciously not impulsively.
Second Guideline: Keep in mind: even if it seems unlikely you may, in the end, work out your relationship problems. You may see that, after a while, you can forgive the affair. If you convince them that you have been grievously mistreated and that your partner is a sub-human monster it will make your partner’s reacceptance by them near impossible. Their anger may pose difficulties for your relationship even after you have resolved your own and your partner’s.
Third Guideline: On the other hand, do tell selected and trusted persons. Empathic support is needed to begin your own healing regardless of whether the relationship can be salvaged. Do not isolate yourself. Good friends are needed to create and maintain momentum in getting through this difficult time
Fourth Guideline: After sharing with those trusted few you may decide to go completely public. If and when you broadcast bad news about your partner it will be a deliberate choice. This will reaffirm your ability to make discrete choices and be exercise control of your actions in spite of the blow you suffered.
Fifth Guideline: Don’t sign leases too quickly. If you can’t stay under the same roof, make short term plans until you are feeling more stable. The idea of continuing to live with this person who you thought you knew, and to whom you revealed your vulnerabilities, may seem impossible But give yourself enough time to know that you are truly operating in your own best interests and not simply reacting to the pain self-destructively. I have seen more than a few couples saddle themselves with having to pay for two apartments even though, within a couple of months of discovering the affair, they resume spending nights together.
Sixth Guideline: Vengeful acts will not make things better. Being emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to the unfaithful partner does not get to the root of your problems. It is understandable that you would want to say mean things to this person, but it can become a destructive pattern that further deteriorates any possibilities for rebuilding trust and creating emotional safety. Future respect comes only if you intentionally work towards achieving it.
Seventh Guideline: Many people believe that physical abuse only occurs when a man hits a woman. Physical abuse has no preferred gender. It is destructive no matter who initiates or perpetuates it.
Eighth Guideline: Stalking, or posting things on Facebook about the person your partner had the affair with, may fill your need for immediate gratification, but in the long run, it accomplishes nothing. Don’t waste your time or energy with these activities.
Ninth Guideline: If you have kids, remember they are under your protection. When you speak badly of their other parent, they suffer. You are trying to hurt the person who hurt you, but you will be hurting your children at the same time. They do not deserve this treatment.
Even with the use of helpful guidelines, dealing with infidelity can be excruciating. Try to focus on understanding where your best interests lie. There are times when partners can overcome an affair and make their relationship work better than it ever did previously. And there are times when such a result is not possible. However you view your own situation, please exercise compassion—not self-pity--towards yourself as you make the most of your options. Thanks for reading! Please share comments, questions, suggestions with us.
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