Source: Judith Coche, PhD
Raising children, I realized, is more than fixing what is wrong with them. It is about
identifying and amplifying their strengths and virtues and helping them find
the niche where they can live these positive traits to the fullest.
~Martin Seligman
I was engaged in a brief bedtime conversation with Sara, my impish and clever youngest granddaughter. “Grammy, can we go to the beach this weekend? I mean, can we really go TO the beach and play on the sand?” 6 year old Sara’s high voice vibrated with enthusiasm as she remembered what she has deemed “my favorite place” I smiled inside as I remembered her Mom, daughter Juliette, asking the same kinds of questions about Stone Harbor, New Jersey at just about the same age. The pure delight in these young voices indicate their positive take on life, and on living.
At six, Sara’s exuberance is simply unforgettable. A photo of her at three, being thrown into the air at sunset by Michael, her competent Daddy, is one of my favorite visual images: her love of life, her delight in flying in the air is evident. Now, a few years later, her sharp intellect has augmented her delicious take on life. “Of course, Sara. There will be lots of time to go to the beach this weekend. We can build a sand castle and maybe even go into the water.”
Sara was with the program! “Then I better bring a bathing suit, Grammy.” But one important detail remained. “Grammy, can we sleep on our new fuzzy sleeping bags you bought for our new white bunk beds in our room? Last fall I had purchased adorable puppy sleeping bags that are soft to the touch, and Sara had not seen hers yet. And I just bought Nutella for warm toast and kites for beach runs. I want to hear these kids exclaim, day after day, “Grammy, this is the Best Day Ever!”
“The fuzzy white puppy sleeping bags are waiting for you, with a few surprises I collected for you and Ava. ” Many of us know some tricks to create happy summer times for those we love. I have planted French lavender to create the perfume of summer and have stocked our freezer with barbecue fixin’s and the makings of steamed shrimp and crab cakes. Summer needs to be delicious!
When life is good, it is wise to keep the good going generation after generation. Our beach cottage on the marshlands of Cape May County, outside Stone Harbor, New Jersey, is a place where many of us go to relax, look at the herons and egrets who are our back door neighbors, and jump into the channel outside the back door. I planted 20 feet of red Mandeville over the water to herald the classically simple beauty of the spot. Introducing my granddaughters to the ocean before they were out of diapers, has inculcated in them the pure joy of being in and near the water. Crabbing off the dock, snuggling with our two Portuguese water dogs, collecting mud snails in a jar of bay water, and doing handstands on the back deck are some of their summer delights.
Source: Judith Coche, PhD
Through a long colleagueship with Dr. Martin Seligman, I have integrated recent knowledge about positivity in children in all the clinical work and writing that I do. Ava, age 9, and Sara, age 6, , are the daughters of my daughter, psychiatrist Juliette Galbraith, MD. Ever since Juliette was tiny, she heard me say, “Juliette, look for the good thing in what we are about to do.” And now, as she maneuvers the tricky waters of emergency and consultation psychiatry at Pennsylvania Hospital near Independence Hall, Juliette is known for her level-headed good humor in the face of situations that would leave others begging for help. Because homeless adults frequent the walk-in emergency facilities in Philadelphia, Juliette was asked to consult for a patient who refused to co-operate with the clinical staff that she asked to help her. Sizing up the situation, the petite, blond, blue-eyed Dr. Galbraith, unintimidated by the threats the woman was making, remained perky and positive. She told the homeless woman she was free to leave the clinic rather than cooperate with the staff, “but not before you put your shoes on. “ It is winter. It is freezing. And you are barefoot. That is not wise. “Juliette continued to be both helpful and kind even while being challenged by a psychiatrically disturbed patient. Because my daughter remained in charge in a friendly and warm manner, the emergency room patient complied.
As a small child, Juliette’s understated exuberance won her friends wherever she went. She was the Montessori preschool child who was always smiling. At Germantown Friends School and at The Baldwin School, everyone liked Juliette. Juliette went on to marry Michael Galbraith, JD, who, in his own way, represents the values and positivity that is part of competent parenting . And, as Ava’s and Sara’s parents, Michael and Juliette manage to keep their even disposition most of the time, passing on to Sara that ephemeral combination of great good will and solid judgement that is the hallmark of those who enjoy a lifelong sunny disposition. (insert small photo of Galbraith family )
Did you ever consider that, with the right road map for parenting, it is possible to help your children live their our best lives under all circumstances? Permanent well-being creates a foundation for interpersonal vibrancy and for resiliency against inevitable danger. To get you ready for a happier life, we offer you well researched tools to create your individualized Happiness Map!
Positive Psychology informs us that there are a few qualities needed for a sense of permanent wellbeing:
- Positivity: Happy people find a positive outlook part of their daily approach to living. Their glass looks half full and they actually seek and find good times in each day. Sara and Juliette both find the good in their daily activities much of the time.
- Engagement: Happy people engage with others easily, spontaneously, and warmly. They sense that the human species cannot survive without deep commitment to others they love. They love deeply and let others know of their love. Sara and Juliette both love deeply, openly and with great joy,
- Positive Relationships: A variety of pleasant and frequent interchanges with others make up the days of happy people. Through personal contact, email, text and phone, they reach out to others to brighten their mutual world. Juliette reports that, wherever she goes, adults comment on Sara’s ability to make others feel engaged and happy. Sara learned this from her parents.
- Meaning: Happy people seek activities that provide them with substance and meaning. They become experts in things they enjoy. They reap benefits from their activities and look forward to their work and their free time. As a medical student, Juliette decided to become a psychiatrist because, as she said, “The whole person has more meaning for me than specializing in a body part.”
- Achievement: Happy people find it great fun to set a goal and meet it. Sometimes the goal is as small as finding and planting just the right rose bush. Sometimes the goal is complex and challenging. But it is fun to look at the rose bush and envision flowers all summer and remember that planting that bush created day after day of pleasure for all who walk by it. Juliette and Sara love to master tricky new topics, and do this with relative ease. Yesterday, as I watched Sara maneuver the intricacies of a cell phone, I wondered how many adults she could top in these skills.
To Consider: If you parent, have you considered how positive your parenting is? How much happier might you and your children be if you set out to integrate positivity, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and achievement into your parenting? Is it too late? Never!
To Read: Coche, J. Your Best Life. Optimal Life Press, 2014. Find it on Amazon http://ift.tt/1RJds2s
The Optimistic Child. Martin Seligman, 2007. Mariner books.
from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/1TVbqBS
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