Dear Dr. G.,
Hello again! This is my story. My name is Jasmine (not my real name) and I have a bad relationship with my mother. She doesn't allow me to go anywhere unless she knows where I am going. I am 19 years old. I was attending college until I took a break because I got pregnant. My baby is now 6 months old. And she only knows my side of the family. She's not that close with her dad. My mom will allow her dad to visit but she won't allow him to stay over and she won't allow me to bring the baby to go visit him and his family. She keeps thinking that another baby is going to come. And no matter how I try to talk to her she only says if I go there she's done with me. She and my dad decided that they are not going to send me back to college because they think that I'm not "emotionally ready". Currently I am not working. I've sent out application letters and resumes but so far no luck. Honestly, this is even bigger than going to see the father of my child. I don't have much freedom. If she doesn't ask me to go on the road to do business for her I basically can't go anywhere. It's not fair. Did I mention I am still in a relationship with my baby's father? It's so hard for us. I can't see him or go out with him or anything and I just feel like I am eventually going to lose him. And I don't want to lie just to see him. I don't know what to do. This is killing me. And I am getting frustrated.
Dear Jasmine
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in such a tricky predicament at such a young age. My heart goes out to you and I will do my best to advise you well. While I am so sorry that your mother is so controlling and makes you feel like a hostage in your own house perhaps she is truly worried about you. Sometimes fear leads to anger and control. I am sure that your mother is disappointed that you got pregnant. She was very likely hoping that you would go to college and be unencumbered by a child. Nonetheless, the baby is here now and needs to be cherished. Now, that the baby is here you need to make a good life for your child and yourself. This life may not include your mother to such a large extent.
You see your mother is so involved at this point because you live with her and are likely financially dependent on her. It is a shame that she doesn't let the baby see the other side of her/his family. You don't say much about your child's father except that you are still in a relationship with him and that he is allowed to come to your house to see the baby. I have some questions for you:
1. Is your child's father willing to help you financially and emotionally?
2. Is he willing to help with child care once you find a job?
3. Is he mature and supportive?
4. Is his family honorable and kind?
AND
5. Does your mother have any specific reason to worry about your relationship with him? For example, does she worry that you are not using birth control?
If you have answered yes to questions 1 to 4 and there are no legitimate reasons to worry about #5 then perhaps you want to look into making alternate living arrangements. I am afraid that while you are under your mother's roof you may not be able to grow and develop into your role as a soon to be young adult who makes good decisions for yourself and your baby. Get out there and keep looking for a job. Look into child care. Make a plan with your child's father for how he will help out financially and otherwise. Perhaps you want to save money so that you can return to college.
On the other hand, if you must remain in your parents' home then figure out how you can live there most comfortably. I admire the fact that you do not want to lie to your mother. Good for you. Nothing good ever comes out of lying. My hope is that over time your mother's anger will dissipate. It is my experience and firm belief that anger usually dissipates. You need to regain your mother's trust. Perhaps you and your mom can come up with a plan to repair your relationship. And, this plan should, of course include your father. Perhaps you can decide with your parents how to regain their trust and what it will take for them to allow you to return to college.
So, as I see it Jasmine your life can proceed on at least 2 different paths. Please get back to me and let me know how things go. Good luck!
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from Psychology Today - Relationships http://ift.tt/2aczO0w
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