Throughout the courting process, we have plenty of motive to self-enhance: We've just met someone who makes our hearts flutter and we believe that he or she is wonderful in every possible way. In fact, for evolutionary reasons, our brains are wired to see a new love interest with rose-colored glasses because it helps motivate us to bond. Naturally, we want our love interest to think that we, too, are wonderful because we want to be liked in return. So, consciously or otherwise, we enhance the most positive aspects of ourselves so that we can help manage the impression we are giving off and simultaneously help guide the perception our new love interest will have of us. Of course, we do this while downplaying our flaws and keeping our skeletons hidden deep in the back of our closets, particularly if we have a negative view of ourselves to begin with.
In the short-term, having a partner who thinks highly of the self-enhanced version of us makes us feel closer to our partner because we like knowing that the man or woman we are beginning to love holds us in high esteem. As the relationship progresses into the long-term, however, a motive known as ‘self-verification’ appears: Self-verification is the need to know that we are seen for who we really are according to our self-concept, not just the impression we've given. When settled into a relationship, we shift from wanting to receive praise (which is why we may self-enhance) to wanting to be intimately known for who we are, because having a partner who loves us despite of our faults becomes more important in creating a close bond than having a partner who sees the enhanced version of us. Hence why this phenomenon is dubbed the "marriage shift".
Let's say, for example, that we know we tend to be more than just a little selfish. Knowing that selfishness is not very well received, during the dating stage, we may self-enhance to tone it down. If, while still in the early stages, our partner compliments us and enhances our self-image by saying "honey, you are the most selfless person I know", we might feel closer to our new partner because he or she thinks fondly of us. However, as time goes on and the relationships builds, if our partner can't see us as we see ourselves, in this case being pretty selfish, the original closeness built on self-enhancing compliments will erode. This is because we believe that our partner can't see us for who we really are and the love he or she has for us is built on a house of self-enhanced cards. Nevertheless, over time, if our partner can see that we are, in fact, more selfish than we once presented, but loves us anyways, we feel a deeper bond in the relationship because there is more truth in how our partner perceives us, more authenticity in the relationship, and more genuineness in our partner's feelings. When we feel intimately known and accepted, flaws and all, love grows.
How can you avoid the "marriage shift"? Lessen the management of your own impression as soon as possible in the early stages of a relationship and try, as so many wise men and women have advised before me, to "just be yourself". Because people who have negative self-views are more likely to self-enhance and wait until a relationship is secure to begin self-verifying, if you have a strong negative self-view, work on improving your view of yourself before dating or entering into a relationship. Remember that the goal is not to win someone over or attain his or her love by pretending to be what you think he or she may want, but to establish a healthy, caring and respectful relationship. There is only so long anyone can hold off pretending to be someone they are not, so instead, focus on the end goal: Creating a lasting, happy, and stable partnership. The only way this is possible is to make sure your partner can see you for who you really are, and love you not only in spite of your flaws, but because of them.
Sources:
Knee, C. R., Nanayakkara, A., Vietor, N. A., Neighbors, C., & Patrick, H. (2001). Implicit theories of relationships: Who cares if romantic partners are less than ideal?. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(7), 808-819.
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 70(1), 79.
Swann Jr, W. B., De La Ronde, C., & Hixon, J. G. (1994). Authenticity and positivity strivings in marriage and courtship. Journal of personality and social psychology, 66(5), 857.
Wood, J. V., Tesser, A., & Holmes, J. G. (Eds.). (2013). The self and social relationships. Psychology Press.
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